Purple Fantasy

2003-09-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

Its been one month since I had my son. He's my little piece of heaven and sanity (or what I have left of my sanity). Well, within the month period EVERYTHING in my life has gotten for complicated and I hate my life more now then I used to. The only thing that keeps me going is my son, I wake up everyday to face this world so he can have a life. I'm finding a new job so he can have food, and so we can get our own home; our OWN home. I love living with my family, its just time for me and Chris to have our own space. I give my sister credit for coming back to this house, theres alot of 12 year old memories here, but its just time to fly from the nest. Another thing is me and Omar, we broke up about 2 weeks ago, I dunno wheather to still consider him my boyfriend or what. I'm so confused and angry at him and my family that I don't want or HARDLY want to live anymore. Each day I wake up I realize that my life will always be like this; I am starting to realize that I will never be able to please anyone like I used to. I ate being a dissapointment to my family; all my life I have always been the good girl, never letting them down; but now with every decsion I make for me to be happy, it seems that they are dissapointed at me. Just to be happy; thats all I want, happy with the man I love; with our son in our life. I can't even make him happy, I cant make him understand. I wish they all could live in my shoes for one single day. And see how depressed I am each time I go to bed and wake up. the only life I have left is my sons, and thats the ony reason why I keep going because of him. My little miracle I love him so much, I would put up with Omars shit and my familys shit and everyone elses shit just for my angel. I just want to be happy, like I used to when papa was alive, I want to be happy like I was last year when I met Omar. just HAPPY!

2003-08-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have a beautiful baby boy.He was born on July 30,2003 at 1:28am...6lbs 11oz...18 1/2In...his name is Christoper James Lipscomb-Pauline. I have held my little cusions and my nephew when they were his age...but I have never felt the over-whelming love with them as I do with my little angel. he's just so perfect and I do not regret anything I have decided while being pregnant with him. Yes, I know it will be hard for him and I going from my home to Omars but I know I can overccome it all with my little one by me. Just thinking of him or looking at him makes me tear up. Once and awhile when I sit and feed him it all seems like a dream, the post partum emotions make my real feelings so over-whelming I shake. other then having my beautiful baby, Maria (Omars mother) would like to see us married. I am flattered and I do love him but I dont feel ready to marry. and another thing is that I dont want to marry unless dad accepts him and dad has made it clear to me that he would have him prove himself. I notice that I do love Omar; I love him and CJ with all my heart but I hope for Omar to grow up past his some what teenage self. I am hoping our son will help change him, I see the love he has for me and baby but I dont like the way he "demands" me to do as he says. I hope to make him understand some how ...i will try hard to get it all in his stubborn head.

2003-07-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I can have my son anytime, anyday, anyweek now. I'm so excited, but all of it is just starting to sink in that Im getting very scared. I'm esp. scared that Omar won't be there with me in the room. I know he promised he'd be there for me cause I asked him. But, I'm afraid that something will happen. I'm also afraid something will happen to the baby or even me. I mean you never know. But hopefully everything will be alright. Had been doing alot to get ready and I'm still not done. Tonight daddy and I are gonna put my crib together in my room; I cleaned all the baby clothes and packed the hospital bags for me and the baby. Tomorrow Jen and I go to the hospital admittance office to PreRegister me just incase I go into labor early. and Friday in the morning I have a Prenatal appointment. Until that day I can hold my baby son in my arms, I will definatley realize that my life has taken a real change that matters. I have my family that I grew up with. Omars Family which I only met some of the people, and have more people to meet still. and Finally I have a small family of my own; Omar, baby Christopher (yet to be born), and me. God bless all of us for I know that we all will be needing it.

2003-07-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

3 more weeks left of my pregnancy. Im soooo excited and yet scared at the same time. I bet all new mother-to-be's are like that. The only person I know who really understands is Omar. Hes so unprepared (as am I) and can't wait for this part to be over. But little does my Man know that this is just the easy part. Because waking up to a hungry; wet; crying baby in the middle of the night isn't all that its cracked up to be. I should know with my HUGE family on both sides and helping raise my little cusions. But, I already told him that I would give him lessons in feeding the baby, changing, and anything else. It'll be good for the 3 of us. It'll bring us closer more than we already are.I give him a lot of props also, even though he dosn't want to be in the room seeing me in icky stuff and in pain. He's willing to sacrafice his comfterbleness to be by my side since I've asked him to be there. I (as well as his sister Jen) are starting to see that Omar is starting to commit ...very funy yet amusing to see. Geez louise I cant believe my son is nearly here. I get all teary eyed everytime i feel him move at nihgt...dosnt bother much just makes me smile and wish i could hold him. I cant wait to present him to everyone I and Omar know. Im so HAPPY...the happiest I've been in YEARS!!!!

2003-06-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a VERY long and tiring week period. The week before on Monday ny brother graduated from high school. I got to see him walk and it made me feel a little jealous becasue I was gonna walk but my counsler messed up my credits. she totally miss informed me about my credits so I never got my cap and gown and walked with my friends.But seeing my brother walk and accept his diploma was good feeling. This week Monday he left for his graduation vacation. he gets to spend 2 weeks in Hawaii with our aunts and uncles. The rest of the week I have been busy planning for my baby shower. On Friday my aunt and I went to my prenatal appointment and my mid-wife says that everything is going fine. My wieght is good, my bloodpressures good, my baby is doing good. I am 194.4 lbs right now, and I have 6 more weeks to go. I told Omar my weight (hes VERY paranoid about my weight now) and he flipped out..he started jabbering like his jaw was losse...he wants me back to the 132lb woman he met a year ago. Okay bud think about it. I've been BIG my whole life there is no way I am gonna stay big after I have my son. DUH!!! anyways, after the prenatal visit my aunt and I went shopping for the food for my party. we didn't get hom until 7:00pm. At 8:00 pm we left the house again to go pick my grandmother up from the airport. She was coming to visit us from Hawaii. Shes gonna be here till the baby is born plus to help out with my mom since shes still using a walker after the accident. My grandma arrived at 9:30pm. We got home and at 12:20am I went to bed to rest up 'cause I know that the next day would be tiring and long. Saturday I woke up at 9 am and began cleaning the house downstairs to prepare for my baby shower. at about 12:30pm our kitchen outlets decided to have a short circit. so all our food for the party had to be moved around the house so it all could get cooked in time for the party. at 3:00pm Omars mom Maria and his Aunt Martha showed up and I introduced themto mom and grandma and everyone else who didnt know them. Just as I hoped mom and Maria got along. Omar always told me how our families would clash. I ALWAYS knew how wrong he was. If i kinda put the stories together I guessed that our families were both similar. The only difference is how Omar and I was rasied. Im so glad they hit it off. even dad likes her. Id say about half my guest list showed up. at about 4:30 (I think) we blessed the food and ate and played the baby shower games. Everyone had a GREAT time, even the little kids got along YEAH FOR ONCE!!! When we opened the presentsl, in my family we save the wrapping paper and string and whatnot and dress the mommy to be in a present wrapping outfit and parade her outside. I had a great time, and I got a lot of great and useful handy presents for the baby. I even got a couple presents for myself. Today was just a unwind clean up day. put all my gifts in my room and got to talk to Omar which he hadn't had sleep in 24 hours so I'm hoping hes sleeping now cause I know how cranky he can get.All I know is that this has been a LOONGGG TIRING week.

2003-06-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

ALOT has happened in the past week. On Friday May 30, 2003 at about 4:30pm; my sister, mom, and Nephew had gotten into a car accident. My nephew came out just fine, he just has a couple scratches here and there and he was VERY shaken up. Now once and awhile he'll talk about what happens, but its good for him to let it all out. My sister had gotten internal brusing and external brusing across her abdomen and chest from the seat belt. She also came home with brusies on her legs from the sir bag by her feet. None of the other air bags went off. My mom I'd have to say had the worst injury. She was laying in the passenger seat asleep when they were hit. The truck that hit them T-boned my sisters car. My mom came out of the injury alive praise god. but with a fractured pelvis (on both sides), and a fractured floating rib. She also had to get stiches in her head. When I heard the news I was with my "sister" Jen shopping for stuff for my baby shower. I thought I was gonna faint in the store. Jen took me to UMC trama and I saw my dad there. I wanted to cry, because all day at work I had smelled Roses. and when we smell roses that means that my grandfather Bobby (my dads dad) is around. he was trying to warn me that something would happen. Usually he is with us when we are on dangerous trips and what not.he is our families gaurdian angel. never met him, he passed away 5-7 years before I was born. anyways, I'm glad that my sister mom and nephew are still alive. This shows me now That there are loved ones who have passed that watch over us. and there are miricles still left in this world. Besides all that, I am not allowed to see Omar for awhile, because Saturday (day after the accidnet) we went bowling and we took my cusion Skye. I told him all night that I needed to be home. he made me VERY angry by not taking us home that night. I got in trouble so now all I can do is talk to him once a day. I know I will miss the weekend visits I spent with him. but Its not to bad for I have my money and problems to take care of before I have our son. And I know he has a lot to take care of also. i'm just hoping when he holds his son in his arms he'll know how much it means to be responsible. the next time I do see him, it will have to be in the delivery room when I give birth to our son in one more month.

2003-05-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

Alot has been happening.I'm 7 months pregnant now; so that means 2 more months to go. Don't really feel much of the symptoms except stuffy nose, lowerback aches, some crankiness here and there. other then that i'm feeling great. but, when it gets closer and closer to bringing 'baby' to this world scares me. everyday that passes I can't help but think about whats happening, whats going to happen, or how my life will be when I have 'baby'.i esp. think about omar and my relationship alot lately. it seems to me that he's taking that step in our relationship to bring us closer. 'cause eachtime we're together i feel him being more and more protective. even when we spend the night together; he NEVER holds me the whole night, and last time i spent the night with him, its like he didn't want to let me go at all...kinda like I'd disappear or runaway from him. i don't mind his attention, i like it a lot. i just hope its a permanent thing. i really would like to spend the rest of my life with him. even if my family sorta disaproves of him. i don't. im tired of trying to prove to them he'll never do anything to hurt me, and that he is helping me. I really dont care what they think of him at all anymore. I'm happy with him and he's proven EVERYTHING to me but just being there. I dont need his money. if he wants to help out thats his choice, im not going to force him into something that he dosnt want. our relationship is BETTER than my sisters was with her ex. and I know that ill NEVER end up like that, as long as we work it out. besides all that stuff i had to get out. I got to meet Omars aunt Martha. shes a nice lady, I told him about meeting her and he laughed and said oh the kooky one, and i said shes not kooky shes a teacher and thats just how she is. shes a nice lady with a Kawaii (cute) lynx kitty. well, thats all i have to write for now. I got a house to straighten up.

2003-05-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

Hav'nt posted for awhile. But I thought I might write about the tournament I attended Saturday May 10, 2003. I of course did not compete. Besides if I was'nt pregnant I would have to gone against my friend Paulie. And I would HATE to embarress him in front of everyone by beating him at forms and Point sparring...^_^_^ (I still luv ya buddy!) Anyways, instead I was the tournament secratery, and my lovely assistant was my bestfriend Jennifer. We started working at about 7-8 am and we made a pretty good team. I seperated the competitors into their rings (ring assignments) and she pulled out the trophies. And I'd have to say I got a really good healthy workout by climbing those stairs. BUNS OF STEEL!!!!....moving on...by the end of the tournament; which was about 4pm or 5 pm I started to feel the weight of my baby on my lower back. But it was'nt so bad I was sitting most of the day. Besides that fun filled day, yesterday I got a call from one of my best friends from high school. When I was a Senior (C/O 00) he was a Junior (C/O 01). Well, he moved to Maryland about the beggining of his Senior year with his girlfriend at the time. my friend Tenisha. He was living with her and her family and they were going to have a baby. The thing is that when he left he didnt call or nothing when he went. Well! about a year or 2 later he comes back home to Vegas to a friends wedding and shows up on my doorstep 3 days before my nephews first birthday. I had vowed to a friend of ours that if I EVER saw him again I would hug him then kick his but for not calling or anything. Well thats exactly what I did, and I was crying at the same time. I had missed him sooooo much. well we went our seperate ways and kept in touch via email. then 9-11 struck and we started writing again. then no more contact. since 9-11 of not talkin to him and 3 years of not seeing him he called me last night. I spent about a good 30 mins cussin him out telling him that he needs to call more. I worry about my lil' sibling ya know. well we spent about 2 hours on the phone catchin up on eachother. Told him hes gonna have a lil' nephew (we're not related its just we're soo close I call him my lil' brother). And he told me that he and his current girlfriend (which she is a sweet looking girl by the way) is comin out to Vegas to visit. So I told him not to be a stranger and call when he could or email when he could. and to DEFINATLY call me when he and Girlfriend get in town, by then I'm hoping he can meet ShuggaDaddy (my man big O) and see little CJ. Omars and my baby, Christopher James Pauline-Lipscomb (Lipscomb-Pauline) still debating on that one. but yea thats our babys name. Christopher because Im naming him after my cusion Chris who passed away at the age of 11 and his little sister Jennifer was named after me. And James for his middle name in honor of Omars grandfather. Pauline (my last name) and Lipscomb (omars last name) when CJ is 18 he can choose which name he wants to keep. well Im rambling night night all!!!

2003-05-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

I had a very shaking dream the other night.I dont even think I'd call it a dream, more like a nightmare. I dreamt that my Bf and I were living together raising our 3 (or 4) year old son. We lived in this big one-story house and we were having a summertime party. Everyone we knew was there. Even the people he dosnt like (his sisters current BF for instance) but everyone got along great. We were all happy to be there. He and I wer'nt married in the dream. Just living together in a house happy. Well anyways, our party started getting into the late hours and my Bf went inside to put our son to bed. After 10-20 minutes of putting lil'man to bed he had'nt showed back up in the backyard so I go to look for him. To my horror I find him in our room on the floor with a gun shot wound in his chest. I try yelling for help but I could'nt, I started to cry as I knelt beside him and began calling to him and trying to stop the blood. Then out of the blue this guy steps out of the shadows and points his gun at me and shoots me in the right shoulder. I scream and I hear the music stop. I hear footsteps and look, the guy is gone. I stare at my blood and my Bf's blood and find everyone in our room doorway and I am soaked in blood and tears and I faint. Next in my dream I wake up a week later in the hospital to find my imidiate family there. The see I'm awake and tell me that I lost a lot of blood but survived the wound. Then they told me that my Bf was'nt as fortunate as me. He had been shot severly and bled to death in my arms that night. they said they tried everything for him. Hearing all this I start crying rivers of tears and then this guy (a friend of my bf's and mine) walks into the room. I recognize him as the man who shot us and I scream at him "Murdurer!" over and over again. I asked him "WHY! why did you kill him? why did you shoot us?" he just looked at me and simply said "I shot him because I was tired of him having you. I shot him 'cause your lives together made me sick. I shot him bacause I wanted you. I killed him 'cause I love you." As he said those words the police walked into my room and arrested him for man slaughter and attemted murder. I then went home the next day and 2 weeks after that in my dream we held my Bf's funeral. And as I stared at his cold body I began to cry silently then I began to make choking sobs and I called his name over and over kissing his cold face and begged him to come back to me. Then I started screaming and more tears came and I began pounding his lifeless chest and I collapsed and thats when I woke up at 3:04 in the morning crying in my sleeping whispering "Omar" over and over again. In my intire life NEVER have I EVER experienced a powerful dream like that. A dream that would wake me up in the middle of the night. It was and always will be a Horrible Nightmare to me.

2003-05-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

Well today I promised you all a short rating of X-Men2. let me say that the movie is Very much approving to see. Lots of action and more lovable mutants. Ladies all I have to say for Wolverine is GRROWAL!!! lol plus this movie will have you saying mutant names when you recognise them on the screen. I give X2 a 2 thumbs up. O and just to mention there is some laughs in there to. I just forgot because all the fight sceens were awsome. Till Next time BYE!

2003-05-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

A new day and same old stuff. Today and yesterday my Taekwondo schools Demo team (the Lone Mtn. Lightening Strikes) have been trying to shape together for our 1st tournament of the year next week Saturday. I was going to be in it but my instructor and the other demo members told me to watch from the side this year. But at all the practices I've been there helping out with ideas and music and what-not. I cannot wait until Saturday to see how well they take pressure with out me. gee this is the 2nd time in 9 years I'm not preforming. its kinda weird. Also I'll be takin alot of piccys!!! So everyone gets to see. just go to my MSN group Kinipela's Kastle. Thats another thing Im excited about. Kinipela's Kastle at MSNgroups where all my friends and who ever else can be members and share things and stuff and piccys!!!!. well going to see X-men to so tomarrow that'll be my new entry. BYE!!!!!

2003-05-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

Im back making another post. I have to say that I am very excited because!!! One of my favorite Message boards (Goldenquartz.com) there was a very interesting post there that I saw. On the board they were discussing an Anime Convention for Las Vegas!!! THAT WOULD BE SOOOO COOL! I love anime and I just adore tristines costumes (shes the Lady who runs golden Quartz) and she lives right here in my (2nd) home town Las vegas. She is one of my ALL time fave cosplayers and I pray sometimes to the cosplay gods that Id bump into her while she is working at her job at the venitian. She is a very talented seamstress and it would be an honor for me to meet her and her fellow cosplay friends. but besides that! Her and a couple of other people were wondering how to hold a convention out here. and a helpful message board person mentioned the idea for holding a con in vegas to Fanime (i think not sure) board members. Im sooooo stoked I hope we get to have a con out here it would be unbelieve able!!!!!!! yea!!!!

2003-04-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dont really know what to write about today. Guess I'll just have to put down how I have been doing since whenever. well to start off being 6 months pregnant is'nt so bad. I do get a bit moody (A bit) and I tend to get frustrated easily by everyone who WANTS the best for "Baby".My folks were kinda dissapointed that their "Angel...Goody-goody" daughter got with child at such an age. My mom thought I was a sinner going against Her and my grandfather (which he has nothing to do with anything at the momment) and my dad was unusually calm about it. He just sat me down (with the other 6 people in our house) and told me I had 2 choices. One was of course to keep "baby" the other...well you can guess for yourself and I dont believe in it. My Boyfriend on the other hand had gotten so scared when I told him that we fought with eachother for at least a month and a half. Our biggest fight was on New years day. I could'nt stand him yelling at me so I cried and shouted that if he was so scared of being a father he didnt have to be there say anything just dissapear. I thought that would be the last I hear from him, but to my surprise he called me about a week later and apologiezed. That the only reason why he was scared was that he'd turn out like his dad (honestly from the stories I hear from his sister about his adittude and what not he is exactly like his dad; his sister by the way is one of my MANY bestfriends whom I had the pleasure of being in the same class with my Senior year in highschool.shes where I met "baby daddy" lol funky huh?) well things since then have gotten better. There were 2 incidents One incident I feel very disrespected by my own cusions whom I hardly know. tried to start a fight with my boyfriend. Now since that night my mom hates him even more (honestly she never likes any guys that get with me. Just ask my bestfriend.) and the other incident was just never supposed to be. but things have gotten better. I am very proud to say that He's staying out of trouble (which I know is a limited thing) and he's happier now that he knows we are having a son. Whenever possible he'll call me from his new (Hopefully permanent) job. and he was also able to show me off to his funy crazy friends at his Bestfriends party. I hope things will stay good and that there might be a longer future between us. And I for one know that when my friends read this entry I'm gonna get ALOT of calls and emails. lol

2003-04-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

First time ever using something like this.Hoping this is a special place I can come to and share my thoughts and feelings and also to share my poems and art and whatnot with others.